Ok, let’s just get right to the point. Buzzfeed is taking over the world. Or at least the internet, which these days is basically the same thing.
Unless you’ve lived under a rock, Buzzfeed is the last and greatest blogging site that posts something like six hundred and twenty-four thousand times a day with captivating titles like, “Which Celebrity Should You Get Drunk With?” or “What European Country Should You Live In?” I mean, these are all legitimate questions that I have often times found myself wondering. Plus, now I know that when James Franco approaches me in with a whiskey sour, I should kindly turn him away because Buzzfeed said I’m better off drinking with Jennifer Lawrence and I also happen to know that whiskey sours are not my drink, but rather vodka tonics are. How do I know that? Buzzfeed.
As all addictions do, it begins innocently. I’m just curious, plus everyone else is doing it. I’ll be laying in my twin bed, scrolling through my newsfeed and Buzzfeed asks, “Which Beyoncé Are You?” Well, I don’t know. I’ve never been asked that question before. I’d like to think that I’m more like “Illuminati Beyoncé” because the idea of world power is intriguing, but as I mentioned, I’m sleeping on a twin bed at the age of 28 so world domination isn’t quite my thing yet. I’d like to be “Crazy In Love Beyoncé”, but the last person to I tried to make confess their love to me was Siri and that didn’t end so well for me.
Suddenly, I feel as though I have no idea who I am. What if I’m “Destiny’s Child Beyoncé” and I am forced to share the stage of life with Kelly Rowland and some other chick whose name literally nobody knows! Am I “Blu-Ivy’s Mother Beyoncé?” I mean, I am always exhausted and I do find myself standing in the mirror screaming “What happened to me?! My body used to be amazing until this [food] baby came along and now I can’t even button my skinny jeans!” I have only one option. Click the link and find out.
I then take a step of faith and click the link, knowing that I may be forced to see results that I may not want to see.
First question: Pick a Pizza. Umm, alright. This one on the upper left. I like pepperoni. No , wait. Too plain. Maybe this one in the middle. Supreme. Yes. Supreme meaning ultimate. World domination. A little bit of everything. Oh dangit. There’s a low-calorie pizza option?! Should I pick that one? SASHA FIERCE WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!
Next Question: What’s a typical Friday night for you? Well, I’m in ministry school so street evangelism. Hmmm, I don’t see street evangelism as an option. Ok. What’s the next best thing to winning souls for Christ? Netflix and cookie dough. Yes, I feel the anointing on that one. *Click*
Third Question: Pick a Justin Timberlake. Bleached and curly-haired N’Sync Justin? No. Sexy Back Justin? Maybe. 20/20 Justin. Hmm…too long winded. Britney Spears Justin. Yes! The ultimate power couple that never was!
Fourth Question: Who would you rather date? Umm, wait. This is literally all pictures of Jay-Z. Is this a trick question? Jay-Z smoking a cigar. Jay-Z in front of a wall of fire. Jay-Z on a motorcycle. Jay-Z with a Yankees hat. Jay-Z in a beanie. WHAT IS HAPPENING BUZZFEED? Oh wait, there is one of Jay-Z on his iphone. Let’s pick that one and pretend he’s instagram stalking me or something.
Fifth Question: What’s Your Life Philosophy? Well, considering “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” is an option, let’s just assume that this isn’t going to end well and I’ll have to settle. “I’m a survivor.” Whatever. Sure.
And this process goes on for another few minutes as I pick my favorite outfit, my drink of choice, favorite social media website and so on. Keep in mind, the whole time I am feeling extremely over-anxious and like I am lying if I answer a question the wrong way! I mean, how do I know that I would prefer Paris over Amsterdam?! I’ve only ever been to Paris!
Finally, the moment I have been waiting for. The moment when everything is about to make sense in life. My life question will finally be answered as I find out which Beyoncé I am. I scroll down, in anxious anticipation as if I’m about to walk into my own surprise party and innocently laugh as I pretend that I’m not loving all this attention… And the answer is…
WHAT?? That’s it? 4?! I just poured my heart and soul into picking the best outfit for a night out and all you have to say is that I’m innovative and blow people away with my awesomeness?? WHAT EVEN KIND OF HAIR IS THAT BUZZFEED YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME A PICTURE WITH A HOT WEAVE!?
Whatever. I’m over it. Consider yourself dead to me, Buzzfeed. Unless of course I ever need to know what Olympic Athlete I should go on a road trip with, then I’ll reconsider.
Does Buzzfeed stress you out? Please tell me I’m not alone.