I love movies. Especially romantic comedies. I know, I know I am being totally cliche, but I don’t care. There is nothing quite like cuddling up in a big, warm blanket with chocolate and self-pity while watching two awkward and incompatible strangers defeat all odds and fall in love in a matter of 90 minutes. I’ve learned a lot about life and love from watching movies, so I decided it’s only fair for me to share my wealth of wisdom with you. Here are 7 things Hollywood has taught me thus far:
1. Men love a socially awkward ditz. No longer is the popular, blonde bombshell every guy’s dream, but it is the brunette who spends all her free time in the library because she is stressed about her grade point average dropping below a 4.0. Generally she wears over-sized glasses and either has her hair in a messy pony tail, or down with bangs that cover her eyes in order to make her seem more mysterious. She normally still lives at home with her over-protective parents and her clothes are plain and boring. However, the most handsome guy in school somehow manages to fall in love with her and she then automatically transforms into some hot bombshell and does crazt things like getting contacts and a curling iron. This scenario always leaves me feeling hopeless. Is it possible to have the best of both worlds? Can a girl be smart AND a bombshell? Do I really have to choose?
2. Guys are crazy stalkers. The scene always seems to start at a bar. Strong, independent female lead lets her hair down and orders a few patron shots as she sits alone (a typical scene from my early twenties that strangely never led me down the path to finding true love). A handsome man who has a bad womanizing streak watches in the distance and then decides to join her. The two hit off, take some more shots and then call it a night. The next day, the woman goes into work and as she’s gushing to her friends about her night, the same handsome man shows up! At her work! With flowers! WHO DOES THAT? HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE SHE WORKS?? If the woman declines his offer, he will then show up at her house. Then at a party that a mutual friend is throwing. He basically never goes away until she says yes. WHY IS SHE SAYING YES TO THIS? HAS SHE NEVER WATCHED DATELINE?! Does she not realize that there is such a thing as crazy, sociopath serial killers? Guys, just keep your stalking to Facebook like most sane people do! Maybe throw in a random “like” on one of her profile pictures. I promise she won’t stop talking about you to her friends if you do. As crazy as these stalking scenarios sound, I am curious as to how they find these passionately obsessed stalkers. I mean, the last time I was out with a guy was because I asked him out (yep, I did it). I haven’t had any luck getting a free dinner out of a guy, let alone my own personal stalker.
3. Secluding yourself and binge eating ice cream after a break up is totally acceptable and will not in any way, shape, or form have any negative connotation on your abs.
4. If you can’t find the man of your dreams in your social circles, perhaps try The hospital’s memory care unit. Lucy in While You Were Sleeping basically got engaged by just telling a man suffering from a traumatic brain injury that she was his fiance. No, they didn’t end up together but she did marry his brother, so she won regardless. No one thought this was weird and creepy, but rather cute and endearing which really makes me mad because in the 1st grade, I tried telling Wesley Pierce that he was my boyfriend and he just laughed at me and ran to the other end of the playground.
5. In order to be viewed as a strong a successful woman, I need to be a magazine editor who is closed off and seems content without a significant other. She actually goes home and eats Chinese take out every night and watches old love movies as she falls asleep (also notice that she is like 105 pounds despite her take out habit). Guys, I guess, find that endearing.
6. Being secretly watched is uber romantic and a sign of true love. I’ve lost track of the times where there is a scene where a guy sits in his car and watches the woman he adores sit alone in a restaurant as she waits patiently for him. Normally he never goes in and she leaves sad and depressed. However, the moment he confesses to her that he was watching her and describes in every detail her every move that night (um, creepy), she falls for him all over again. I actually have a first-hand experience with this and let me just say that it is neither cute or romantic. A few years ago, I broke up with this guy on Valentine’s day. YES, ON VALENTINE’S DAY. People can accuse me of being evil, but in my defense I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t so annoying. Later in the day, I was at school and received a text that stated, “I couldn’t bear to not give you your valentine’s day present so I left it on your car. You can go get it. I left.” I was already annoyed because the main reason I broke up with him was because he was over-bearing and literally never let me breathe. So, I walk out to my car and bring the gift inside. I immediately get another text from him saying, “I am so sorry it ended up like this. You look really good in pink and your hair looks nice.” I think he thought it would be really romantic and sweet, but it really just validated my reasons for breaking up with him.
7. Girls love financially unstable men. In The Notebook, Allie leaves her rich and stable fiance for a life with Noah who has done nothing with his life for the last 10 years. In New Girl, Jess falls for Nick who is a bitter alcoholic that has a box of unpaid bills stuffed under his bed! Rose leaves her fiance for Jack and I mean,the list goes on. The movies have a way of romanticizing the idea of a man who can’t afford a phone and lives in a studio apartment where he smokes cigars and writes poetry that he swears he is going to publish someday. I mean, he’s spontaneous and the thought of not knowing what’s ahead can seem exciting. But it’s not. It’s not exciting. The reality is he probably lives off food stamps and eats ramen and ketchup and your fights consist of arguing over whether you’re going to pay the water bill or go without gas for another week.
So, there you have it. All the creepy, confusing and false ideas of love that live within this brain of mine. What are some things Hollywood has taught you about love?
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